I think I am just pressuring myself. Perhaps I realized that I am no longer a teenager. Less room for carelessness and more for responsibility.

The society dictates that people in their twenties oughta have their future well-planned already. But what if I’m not? What if I don’t want to go with what society dictates? What if I am still laying a blue print of life?

I guess it is me to blame for all of this. It’s not our society! It’s how I see it! I’m setting a deadline when I haven’t even started on planning yet!

I realize now that there is no “cut-off date.”

What the hell am I saying? I don’t make any sense.

Good night.

Lately, I’ve been perplexed with thoughts that seem to occupy my head even when it seems I am not thinking. Me, don’t like it. Even when I’m playing with my Nina or heck, even when I’m trying to mingle in a party! It somehow tries to manifest itself either through physical pain or emotional unrest. Is it really that bigadeal?

Perhaps. But how do I deal with such unease? Sleep, I guess. I’ve been spending too much time sleeping. I guess it’s my way of evading it. But No No! For the past week, I’ve been having bad dreams that even got my mom worrying. Randy commented that my dreams are too vivid that even after hours of being awake, I can still remember the details! He does have a point.

This is stupid. What am I suppose to do? I’m so confused. Is this really what I want? Do I still want to walk through the path I chose six years ago? Dammit, why did everybody let me choose at such a naive age? And this is what I am supposed to do my entire life?!

My sister calls it a quarter-life crisis. I don’t believe it’s considerable enough to be called as such. I’m just confused that’s all..with one part of my life. Though it affects, the way I live it, the root of it all is a single thing.

I smile, I laugh, I giggle like a high school girl, I get on with my life but deep inside anxiety exists. I can’t do anything but to just deal with things that are being thrown at me. I can’t just leave when I don’t even know where to head to in the first place! I just need to figure out what I really want first. Then maybe, I can start doing something about it.

Why is it that when I’m here in Metro, I find myself longing to escape to my hometown? The peaceful streets, drivers who have not yet lost their minds, law enforcers who are corteous enough to great passersby, everything less than half an hour away, cheap food, cheap cabs! In Davao, I can say a name and get myself out of trouble and/or enjoy added luxury just mentioning an “uncle” or “tita’s” name. “How are you related to this and that?”..”Oh he’s my dad’s cousin’s great grand nephew” Hahah! Not exactly like that. But bottom-line is, I have it easier there. Things are presented right in front of me there…unlike, here.

Here, I have to go to government offices on my own. I have to wait in line for hours and sometimes even under the scorching hot sun! I can’t ask Winky to do it. I can’t ask my mom’s secretary. I can’t ask but must do it on my own. Here, I cannot put off what I can do today for tomorrow. And I certainly cannot wait for somebody else to do it for me because nobody will!

But why did I choose to be here in the first place? Why did I choose to study in the same institution located miles and miles away from my comfort zone? Among all of my options after my supposed “graduation,” why did I choose to stay here? I don’t know! Do I look like the book of answers?

I like it here. I like the feeling of “independence” – being part of the workforce, earning money, paying my bills and splurging every now and then with my friends. I like it. Add Randy to that and the whole lot becomes more and more pleasant! And I know everything that I am doing now will help me become a better person – a stronger one that is. And perhaps a person prepared enough to face the future.

But with all the load that I have just said, my point is really that I miss my mom. I miss her terribly. My mom and I have this love-hate thing but I love her. I really do! She’s not a perfect mom, but I love her still. Sometimes, I go on and on about how she hurts me emotionally, how she doesn’t understand me and the works, but that’s just how our relationship works. I understand it now – sort of. My mom was my best friend back in the days. Whenever she gets a chance to pick me up in school, I always get inside the car all giggly and I’d point out where my crushes are standing. Most of the time, she’d tell me they’re ugly. Even the cutest guy in school! Can you believe her? I used to love Fridays because that’s the day I don’t ride the carpool. Mom picks me up and we either go shopping or dine at our favorite place. Sometimes even both! Shopping is kinda shallow but that’s not the point. It’s the time we spent together, laughing like teenagers, disagreeing on the shoes we prefer or blaming each other for the awful food we ordered.

I miss my mom!! Why can’t she practice here? There are pregnant women everywhere so an ob-gyne like her won’t have a problem relocating! I wish there’s a helicopter sturdy enough to carry our two-floor house (including the garage and the gate and mom’s garden and my parents’ cars and the little benches outside the house and our newly landscaped front lawn) and bring everything here. I can wish, hope and want all I can but..but!

So children, the lesson of the story is – We can never have everything.

Now we should all go to sleep for tomorrow is yet another day in this isolated paradise.